How I feel when the non-wedding it’s too soon

My last weekend (like 4 or five of them) I have done nothing but sleep and go to therapy. I did manage to go to the gym twice during those weekends, however the rest of the day I will medicate my self to force to sleep so I don’t have to deal with the real world. Lame and coward I know, but I hate being awake with my thoughts.

I was prescrible clonazepam by my psychiatrist, however I was only supposed to take it at night before going o bed (as I suffer from imsonmia due o my depression). So yes, I may be abusing on my prescripted drug (actually I am abusing, not may abusing). But it’s the only way to calm me down and don’t go insame in my mind.

It seems that tears won’t stop and I am not ready yet to see my friends or spend quiality life with m family,

This last week was just awful….when you know things can’t get worse your ex fiance text you that he still loves you and never have been so much in love..BUT he doesn’t love you enough to risk his future or mine,

I can’t find any sense on those words. I still love him and mourn from him everuday, he keeps breaking my heart even though it’s already broken.

I feel worthless, no matter what I do or what  I think I am is not enough for him. I know what you will think: that he is a dush and a coward, that I deserve better and that I need to work on my selfsteem.

But I don’t feel that way just yet….I can’t let go. I keep thinking about my ex wedding, my beautiful gown, everything we planned. But more important that a party I love him. In his best no one else had treat me as he did. He was extremly cariing and loving, he is brilliant, gentle and I know that he has a good heart (even though he treated me as shit many times after the breakup).

I did wanted to mention that I had some little progress this week. As stupid as it sounds I re-activaded my social media accounts. It was hard for me because I knew people were going to ask questions about why I dissapper, if I did get married, bla bla. Yes, they did ask that. But I manage everything well with some tears in the middle and personaly texted my closest friends whom I haven’t spoke to them in 5 months.

I know I am loved, maybe not by my ex fiance as I want to, but I was so deep in my sadness that I forgot that I love and I am loved by many other people too. Still not ready to face them in person but texting it’s a start right?

Finally, I dread next weekend when I was supossed to get married with the one I thought was the love of my liFE.

 

I wouldn’t wish this to anyone, it’s an awful feeling.

I live you this pictures where my dreams became true for a while, but know they are only memories…..

kk

Sincerely Miss M.

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